In love!

I found this on stumbleupon. It literally, made my day seeing this painting. At first glance I said "oh, that's cool cuse it looks blurry as if you're looking out a windshield on a rainy day", which is too great because, well...obviously it's raining in the painting.

Then I zoomed in and the detail is INCREDIBLE. The art form and technique are my favorite part of this piece. I showed a bigger version so you yourself can marvel.

Each "stroke" was done singularly and it's so great because multiple colors were "blended" in each "stroke". It's kinda like the painters palette got messy and he just didn't care. Haha. I think this painting was done by one of those small little metal spades which is why I call it a "stroke" since it wasn't actually done by a brush. Using such an instrument would also mean his movements would have to be very direct and perfect so that the colors don't over blend and ruin the look of having different color streaks within each other.

Overall I'm very impressed by the artists ability to create illusion and be so precise. It's such a pretty painting. I really love it.

To see the entire painting in excruciating (but satisfying) detail, go to this link. It's so much better when you can see the entire thing up close.

Sexy Paint

Reeling

I'm trying so hard to fall asleep right now. I'm supposed to be up early, but all I can think about right now is how much I wish to be safe.

I'm thinking of ways to make myself safe. I could bury myself in books or art. I think about moving far far away and knowing no one, but honestly, I'm already so alienated from people around here anyway. I think about running to the woods (if there were any). The woods aren't exactly safe; there are many things to destroy me. Bears or coyotes, the cold or hunger or disease. I'd rather those things destroy than people. The loss of someone I love; the loss of trust I had in them is something I don't know how to handle.

I know you always said you'd never choose me. I know that. I hate that know that or that I ever had to, but I can't help being devastated nonetheless. You had said you loved me, and that you cared for me; that you loved me. And I trusted you. I now wonder what "love" ever meant to you in regards to me. I'm pretty sure you had no idea how much I trusted you. And now that you left me, all I do anymore is just think of all the times your love felt so real and timeless. That's silly, but you broke my heart and betrayed me. Even though you always felt that you were honest with me, you still betrayed me. Thing is, we were always just waiting for you to.

Now that it's over and it's only been that way for three weeks, I feel you drifting away...along with my sense of reality or what was ever real. I feel like you're wanting, trying to drift from me. And I know that I can come back from this, but I can't say I want to. Healing means forgetting you. I'd rather be eaten by the bears or have my heart frozen by the cold.

I wish you would hold me again..but now I wonder if your touch would save me or make me sick. Nonetheless, I want you so badly. And I am disappointed in myself because I'm loving a man who didn't love me enough, and that's foolish. I feel weak, and honestly, I look down upon the weak hearted. And you've set my pride on fire. I want so much to lash out at you and be vengeful for leaving me this way. I want to tell you how you destroyed a part of me...or parts rather. But I can't, because I know you created alot of who I am, and I have to say I don't regret that. We both know you effected me more than I did you. And I'm angry for that too.

I think I wish I could wake up and never remember you. And I know then I'd only see you in my dreams and you'd be the most wonderful, beautiful mystery. God, and I know I'd fall in love all over again with the face I see at night. It just breaks my heart everyday; every moment. I'd say I don't want to lose you, but I know I already have. And I wish to stay here for you, but I have the sinking feeling that you'll never come back for me.

I'm beside myself.

Books, Books, Books

Books I intend to read, or reread:

1984

A Wrinkle in Time

Lord of the Flies

I think I want to read the His Dark Materials Trilogy (you know, the Golden Compass trilogy) because it's about killing God, and I don't understand how one would go about killing God or even write about it. So I want to give the trilogy a go. It might be interesting...

Maybe I'll give Catcher in the Rye and Fahrenheit 451 another chance. I hated them both the first time I read them.

I'll keep adding to the list.

OH! And if anyone wants to get me a wonderful christmas present, get me Peter Pan by James M. Barry. Thank you :} Peter Pan really is one of my favorite childrens stories.

Vince reminds me of Peter just a little bit.

December 10, 2010

The Wind in the Willows

Four Quartets

Catch-22

Unconventional

Dream home.

Here's the truth

I have no idea who I am.

Plain and simple.

More cool pictures

1964 Firetruck! How cool!!

















Coney Island 1905




















Band at the National Zoo, 1920

Another loving thought

"Everything was beautiful, and nothing hurt"

It's repeated in my mind when I think back on you. The sunniest and purest of moments; just laying in bed with you. There are times I've woken before you, I'll admit I've watched you sleep- maybe just for a minute. You are beautiful and, at that time, nothing hurts.

One of my favorite memories: being under my white comforter, heated by dense goose feathers and the sun shines through to lighten your eyes. I felt a little naked when you looked at me that way. I feel over exposed because I feel, nor find, no shadows in my heart.

The Oh-riginal Jersey Shore!

Jersey Shore 1910. xD Love it.

I could be a history buff...

but I just couldn't do all the reading.

But truly, I do love the past. "The past"- uhm, like the 20's, the 40's and 50's, the 70's. I love how novel it all appears. The cars, the radios, the clothes, the music. How vintage it all is...like the colors and how vintage thrift shops have their own "era smells". The photographs that are tinted a strange hue, and I almost forget that things were "normal" colored. It's kind of out of this world.

And I especially love how it's all romanticized- even the poverty and war.
















Charleston, SC 1910

New Orleans Milkman, 1903

New York City 1910

To my future child,

I write to you because you do not exist. It helps knowing that you're just an idea and "someone" I can write to and, sure, listen. I've found myself losing all sense of direction, and I'm afraid to say that I keep running into "no U-turn" signs.

I realize I've been doubting myself too much. Why does that make me want to cry? What I fear most for you is that you ever doubt yourself the way I have myself. It really is the one thing that could cripple you, and I've let it cripple me in every way. I've loved so many things and yet all I can say is that I've loved them. I love art and film and theatre. It's what I'm good at. It's what I've taken pride in. I guess I need to stop worrying about what could go wrong, but think about what I like and go with it.

I've loved horses and nature. I've loved people. By the time you're born, and named and learning, I want to be doing what I love. That's something you need to see. I'm not sure why I've gotten so lost along the way, but it's been the slowest of downward spirals. And you know the worst part, I don't know how to get back up. Where exactly should I start, I missed some of my biggest chances. There's another lesson for you- realize life as you live it. For awhile, I was a little blind. I kind of almost forgot why I was living; that I was here to actually be doing something. Just know you'll have as much purpose as the rest of us; that you'll be overflowing with potential. When you're three I'll ask you what you want to do when you're grown up. I can't wait to hear your answer. I can't wait to watch you become someone, and do it so much better than me.

Love,
Your mother

Opposite effect

I can't talk to anyone without sounding like I'm really unhappy with my situation. Fact is, I'm incredibly happy- painfully, sinfully so. The only time things seem to sink is when the exchange of words begins to slow- even disappear.

But I love you. I know you might say it to my face, that's nice; that's wonderful. But once I'm gone, I'll hardly hear it. When I'm gone is when I want to hear it the most. Even I miss you. I'd love to hear that. I'd love for you to say it first, then I know I wasn't the one who prompted the small sentence. I'm sure you know, or maybe you don't, but not hearing these things every once in a while makes me wonder if you're even feeling them.

But how can I convince you I'm happy?

Ooo, that word.

There's a problem.

See above.

D:

EXPLAIN THIS.



I'm not sure whether to laugh or scream along with the poor child. THAT is a winning face.

First Day of My Life- Bright Eyes

This is probably the most overplayed (or sung) Bright Eyes song, but the lyrics reminded me of love.


Original Video - More videos at TinyPic

Two Doves- Dirty Projectors

I fear this might be a little boring acapella, but I really do love the melody and the lyrics are interesting and somewhat romantic.

P.S. EFF that ending. EFF it hard.


Original Video - More videos at TinyPic

Back in the days

I'm sure these were some of the best days. I really wish I could remember being so young. And yesh, that's me.

You make me feel really selfless

I feel you becoming my priority and all the time I'm proud of and impressed by you.

My Summer

I'm sore half the time from standing too much at work and my insides hurt from trying NOT too laugh too much at all the cowboy voices. And after awhile I feel kinda desensitized, kinda like when I eat too many peppermints at work and my mouth goes numb from over stimulation and flavor. Work is fine, but it's what sometimes goes on there that makes me feel weird at the end of the day. Don't ask me to explain, I can't. That's why I'm using peppermints as a metaphor...even though I really do eat about 30 a day. And I can't tell if you're interesting, or really boring, or maybe kinda insane. That's okay, I've decided it's not a big deal.

And other than that, there is nothing- home is just lifeless. It kinda feels like being homeless, but being in a home. You get me? Like, I have all the amenities, which I guess are MOST important, but it's lacking the part that makes it...work. My mother and I hardly talk, and when we do, it's all practical. No fun, no love, no family. But I don't know why that's still such a big deal to me, it's been that way for awhile. So, it's lonely and frustrating. Very frustrating.



I'm finding myself really happy though. My birthday is now in 9 days. I mean, I'm not doing anything for my birthday. But I haven't really done anything super special is quite awhile. I was hoping I would this year, but nah. I'll probably just stay home and...sleep :}

And 29 days till WEEEEEEEE! Yeah, I'm excited and I'm freaking out. I can't wait till I get to wash all my clothes and pick them out and pack them and pack random little things that make me feel nice. Lots of pillows and books and blankets and things. Trinkets and such and stuffed animals. Hahaha. Maybe not stuffed animals, but pillows and a blanket and a cookbook and reading book, jewelry? Some things I might use, alot I probably won't. Haha, but the act of packing will make me realize where and who I'm about to see. And I can't even describe the act of driving there. Honestly, gravity is the ONLY thing that will stop me from flyyyyying right into Harrisonburg...granted I will try cuse I'll probably be going 80 miles per hour from point A to point B.


"HELLO!" -cling-

And he'll turn blue and plop over on the floor. D:


And it'll be a great 10 days or so. Please and thank you.

God, and I know my stress level will just plummet. I can't wait for...

Back massages and hand holding, or movies in a bed, or on a couch, or under covers, or in no clothes, or while falling asleep. I can't wait to drive into mountains and jump into things or around things or on top of things.

I can't wait to have everything I missed.
I missed talking face to face and laying together and touching.
I'm lucky I still remember how it feels.


I'm going to give myself a heart attack!
EEE!

Legs and eyes and mouths and noses. Hair and hands and fingers and feet.
Thank you thank you thank you!

Where will I be in six weeks? I'll still be wanting to see you.

It's all about the tiny things.

I love every part of you down to your fingerprints.

shush

Actually, half the time I'm losing words for feelings.

It, or we, could have been/be brilliant.

I think about you constantly, even when I'd rather not, and maybe I finally understand why you tried to forget about me. Maybe you felt guilty for having me on your mind...I don't know, but lately I feel guilty for having you on mine all the fucking time. All the fucking time. I guess I feel guilty because I get the feeling that maybe you'd be happier if I didn't want you so badly.

Vince from work will flirt with me. It's cute, it's flattering, it's all the things that flirting should be, but honestly, I don't go home and lay in bed thinking of all the things he said. I lay in bed and try so hard to pry every memory I have of you out of all the hidden places in my mind. I try to remember the feeling of you close to me and the sound of your heart. And I want so much to be happy and the only time I'm seriously happy is when I'm talking to you. It's kind of like only your voice can make all my memories real. And I don't want to move on, but sometimes you make me feel I should, but all I want to hear is that if I were to move on, some part of you would break. I want to feel that you care for me...I want to hear that you feel the way I do. If you were to let go, I would break a little. I can only keep thinking one thing:

I think we could be extraordinary together, instead of ordinary alone.

And alone, I feel so ordinary. Vince from work doesn't make me feel (insert whatever feeling here) the way you do. No one really does.

Okay, okay, okay. I miss you.

I Am Not A Robot - Marina and the Diamonds (Cover)

Yes Please.

You’ve been acting awful tough lately
Smoking a lot of cigarettes lately
But inside, you’re just a little baby
It’s okay to say you’ve got a weak spot
You don’t always have to be on top
Better to be hated than love, love, loved for what you’re not


You’re vulnerable, you’re vulnerable
You are not a robot
You’re loveable, so loveable
But you’re just troubled

Guess what? I’m not a robot, a robot
Guess what? I’m not a robot, a robot

You’ve been hanging with the unloved kids
Who you never really liked and you never trusted
But you are so magnetic, you pick up all the pins
Never committing to anything
You don’t pick up the phone when it ring, ring, rings
Don’t be so pathetic, just open up and sing

I’m vulnerable, I’m vulnerable
I am not a robot
You’re loveable, so loveable
But you’re just troubled

Guess what? I’m not a robot, a robot
Guess what? I’m not a robot, a robot

Can you teach me how to feel real?
Can you turn my power on?
Well, let the drum beat drop

Guess what? I’m not a robot
Guess what? I’m not a robot, a robot

This is directed toward you, in the most loving way

I wish you would answer. I mean, I answer in a heartbeat because well, you just mean that much to me. Ignoring or neglecting you feels wrong. Ignoring you when you took your time to try and talk to me, well that just doesn't seem right does it?

So is that it? I don't matter that much? Tell me I'm wrong. That's what I want to hear. That's just how I feel. Tell me I'm wrong, please. Or just do me the favor and tell me if that's the case...if it's what you want, then I'll just...I don't know. I'll leave you alone...if that's what you want.

=/ Fuck. I'm sorry. I wish I could read your mind. Maybe that would be easier for you. And that wasn't meant to sound sarcastic or bitchy. Like, I really wish I could make this easy for you. I wonder if this is still hard for you. Like, I just am starting to believe that maybe after you've been home and thought I was bitching at you through my blog that you've now just...gotten over everything. How can I know?

Well, I care about you still. I miss you still. I'm okay, but I could be better. Don't talk to me because you worry about me, or because you feel bad, but because you actually want to; because you actually miss me. Do you want to hear my voice? Have you had anymore dreams about me?

I think you're in my dream every other night. It's always so disorienting to wake up and find you over a hundred miles away.

I'm sorry, I really try not to write about you because I feel so weird knowing that you might read it, but...I just needed to write. And also, if you did read this by any chance, these are things I wanted you to know. But, I won't try and talk to you. I want to, God, just know I want to. I'll let you decide when you want to talk. I also know you might be busy. Believe me, I try to be understanding. I want to understand.

Thank you for telling me why we hadn't talked for a few days though. Thanks for giving me the chance to explain, even if you didn't believe it or if you did. I'm so sorry you mistake the things I write. I promise that I will never be so utterly hateful towards you. That would hurt.

Ugly.

I'm thinking of just deleting all this rubbish, bullshit. I mean, none of it seems worth it anymore. It might just cause more trouble.

But anyway, things had been better. I'd gotten my awesome volunteer job with gorillas and I just got a job at this nice restaurant. I'll be making money.

But I guess I'm still lonely and missing everyone I can't have. I'm hating myself for not being able to make friends easier, kinda hating myself for the fact that I don't want to get to know people. I'm more content being alone I think.

I went out last night...for the first time since I've been home. I spent time with people, saw an old, old friend- AWKWARD since she and I are so clearly different people now. There was a cute guy there and the attraction made me want to run screaming. Hate that feeling. FUCK THAT. Also I hadn't been remotely attracted to anyone for forever. Still, it's not the same, and it won't be in a long, long time. I'll be alone for awhile, I've known that for AWHILE now.
Also, the person I went with kept hugging me. I'm sorry, guys I'm uninterested in and aren't super tight with hugging me makes me want to die on spot. Please don't touch me.

I'm excited about going into work tomorrow. It'll be my first day of training. It's something I'm interested in, and keeps my mind off things I'm much more interested in. Same thing with my volunteer job.

I start Tuesday. I have to wake up at 5 am to get ready and be at the zoo by 7 am. I'll work until 3:30 pm and I'll be too tired and too busy to think of you. But the minute I get in my car, I'll check my phone hoping to God that maybe you sent a text my way.

I haven't showered today, and I just found toothpaste on the corner of my mouth. Must have been there for about 4 hours. How pathetic. Anyway, I clean up pretty nicely...usually. Unless I'm really hungover or was crying before I fell asleep.

What's really great, and what keeps me going, is the thought that I have two more months of this to enjoy. There's some sarcasm for you.

But you know, these two months will be better than the next 9 months of no one fucking being here because all these "successful" children will be going back to college. I'm envious because I miss the good memories at ODU, but I know going back would kill me...just because I'd be haunted by all those memories...and the reality that I suck at anything school related. Not learning related, but SCHOOL. Fuck me and school.

Allllright. I'm done right now. I want to continue...end with something romantic and lovely, but shit, I'm kinda all out of romance...i mean...it's kinda been sucked out of my life. :D
So here. Ugly, ugly, ugly.

Smile

Original Video - More videos at TinyPic

It's really not a problem. You can try to sound bigger and smarter, but the fact is is that you're young and just as immature as you might see me.

I don't judge you for that, nor do I blame you, but you do seem to be filled with more hate, or at least are quicker to hate someone and less willing to understand. That I don't understand. You didn't seem that way, but maybe I was wrong. That's sad, because I liked the person I thought you were. I'm sorry you hate me so much, but I have a feeling I can't change your false, stubborn opinion of me.

You know what though? It's a shame all this happened, because honestly, it wasn't that big of a deal. It was a mistake that you brought to my attention, and I apologized for it. Hold your grudge, the hate will only eat at you slowly.

I love yous

I've said "I love you" to guys before. I always thought I meant it. But I was green and thought I was pretty clean, but honestly, I was just clouded by the thrill of experience. Everytime "I love you" came, it was with a feeling of expectance...like you conciously thought "now is a good time, 'I love you, XXX' ". But I've had this new feeling where...you're not always so concious of how much you really fucking love someone, and suddenly there's one thing that this one person does that triggers it- you're awareness- you're awareness of how much you are in love. And I'll be honest, love is more pain than pleasure. The rush of extreme love that goes through your veins has this like...warm low burn, and it's startling the first few seconds. Then it cools and you are so happy and warm, and willing. You're absolutely willing to do anything for them, you're willing to open your heart to them and that's when you declare it, declare the ultimate feeling for someone, "I love you." And that's 100%. Kinda like what everyone is looking for. I've felt that.

See this?

When I was signing his name, it kinda felt like I was signing my life away. And it was exciting.

I can't think of a title.

I literally feel it down to my very core. It's this really distant, slipping feeling, but it makes my stomach feel so heavy. It's like the heaviest feeling, but doesn't actually scream out any distinct emotion. It's just...weight. Weight in my back and neck. Weight in my eyelids.


Whatever. It's not a big deal. Everyone goes through this. I'm just sick of it already.

Nineteen

I felt you in my life

Before I ever thought to

Feel the need to lay down beside you

And tell you:

"I feel you in my heart,
And I don't even know you",

And now we're saying bye.

Bye bye.

I was nineteen.

vfbhvlen;a

This is not a good feeling.

Why do I feel like crying?

Why!?

So like this is the 4th time these girls from this church have randomly come up to me and invited me to a 20 minute bible study. Just talking about God casually and reading a scripture. And I always kindly lead the conversation elsewhere and talk to them for 2 minutes about a part of my life...and they then ask again. And I'm so repelled by it. And I wonder why. I always leave them with a maybe- 4 time already and not once have I gone. And I just don't get why it's so...impossible for me to want to go and somewhat be offended by the idea of it. And I'm guilty for it too. I have this...awkward distance with religion. And I just don't get it.

Story 7

White, cork ceiling tiles, metal rods and starched cotton. As she was slowly wheeled down the hallway, which is much more surreal feeling when you're the one laying, she tried counting the tiles above her. "How many tiles between my room to the surgery room?"- a thought.

Heart surgery. She was less than thrilled. So invasive. And how did she know he was a good surgeon? How did she know if he was going to do his best today? He didn't know how special she was, how much her life was worth living.

She saw the doors ahead. Not intimidating.

But the ceilings were. As she was pulled into the room, the ceiling became higher, much darker and very ominious.

"That's a mood killer"- a thought.

Now presently on her new bed, her surgery bed, nurses began piling her with blankets and crowding around. One nurse was fiddling with the IV, another fliting around some other crazy alien medical contraption.

She looked around for the man who would cut her open. "He must be glowing"- a thought.
No glowing anywhere...

"Who's my doctor?"- a question.

"That would be me, miss"- he smiled and said it in that way that you know he's a chummy doctor, but probably really good.

"You're cutting me open tonight. That's so freaking scary for me to think about. I can't imagine what it looks like; what I look like...inside. It's crazy. Just...be careful." And she paused,"You'll be the first to touch my heart."

He looked down at her, one side of his face darkly shaded and the other over lighted from that one white doctor light over head. She watched him pull back a gulp or grimace, she smiled and so did he. The clear mask covered her nose and fuzzied her vision, but the images right before where burned in her mind. Forever. And she knew that now she'd become special- to him. And she worried no longer.

OAAATMEAL.

So I'm trying to start this healthy eating thing, which is IMPOSSIBLE to do here. (Here is Norfolk/College) But I'm doing this low-fat dairy, lean meat, fresh fruit and vegetables, fish kind of eating habit. Screw me, it's not going well. But this summer I'll start learning recipes for healthy foods. I screwed my body over hard this year. Drinking, smoking, no sleeping, lots of sleeping, not moving...



Shit, how have I survived? That just sounds like death to me. But anyway, I'll be working alot this summer and I need to be healthy and be eating nutritiously. So that's what's going on right now. But the one part of my new diet is oatmeal. OATMEAL. How I loathe oatmeal. I fucking hate it.

It's gooey and chewy and clunky and chunky. And it all just BLOBS together and then is a melted ball in the corner of your bowl. Gross.



And of course you say, "Don't be dramatic, you don't have to eat it." and I say obnoxiously "Well duh, but I want to like it cuse it's soooo fucking good for you!"

So another thing this summer: I want to learn amazing recipes for oatmeal. I want to make oatmeal good. And I think I could. Cuse I'm imagining right now how oatmeal would be good.

Yes.

Okay, so that's another thing that's going on.



Ew. Oatmeal. Bye bye.

Say this 10 times fast.

Known a gnome.

Oh my goddddd!!

Holy shit my heart is beating 850

So like...I saw what I was becoming- this once was pretty girl who got to a point in her life where she was much less pretty. She grew into the type of woman who has one kid from another point in her life where that just happened. It was great that it happened, but it did just happen. And she still smokes cigarettes and does a little weed, but she found some creative way to have a creative job, it doesn't make much, but it does enough. And she's just mildly living...forever. And the colors are really gray, and when you look at your child, they're so much more..bright. And you wonder if she's imagining childhood like you did- bright, wild, and beautiful. It's all you can hope for. And it just breaks you apart. But that's all you can hope for. Mildly living for that one bright star...but it's also so sad to know that you've lost that.


And after all that, I just had this thought of...what if I was becoming my mom?

This was witty.

This makes me giggle a little bit everytime. Kinda like with the old spice commercial. It's just too good.

Kimya Dawson

I can't say I'm a big fan of all her stuff, but this one song is just...kinda great feeling- makes me feel good. Now, I'll admit I just looked up pictures of her. I was shocked. This is one of those cases where the voice doesn't match the face.

















And that's one of her more flattering pictures... D:
I hate admitting that since, I don't know, I feel cruel for somewhat insulting someone while trying to praise them. Well anyway, just watch the video below and listen to the song if you like. Listen to it while you're reading all of this or other entries :}

Dream a Little Dream

Fuck THAT screenshot.

Story 5

There was a girl who tried to make all her dreams a reality.

She was one of the most lost people I've ever met.

Too bad

that I don't have time to say things like "Tell me what you dreamt last night, and the night before, and the two days before that. I want to know everything; every special thought that passes through you. Come, tell me everything."

I think about it so often. Am I the biggest fool ever?

Little French Girl

If you're impatient then skip to 1:40. I hate Lady Gaga, but this cover is the shit.

Story 3

There was a girl who lived in a mess. Piles and piles of things surrounded her. Each piece reminded her of great things- of the spaces between fingers, of a warm lightbulb in her hand, the smell of cooking, the nights she snuck out to run in rain...

She filled every open spot around her so that it filled the empty spot inside her. Having company never worked when there was no place to sit, and so no one would stay.

She realized her unconcious addiction. She didn't have piles and piles to keep all her old memories, but to keep out people and new memories. She was stuck in her past and realized her things caused more pain then happiness.

One day she took out trash bags, hundreds of black, stretchy trash bags. As she threw away her piles; her memories; her vices and regrets, she kissed each item.

She set the bags outside on the sidewalk carefully, breathing deeply, she rid her life of old things.

As she lived alone in emptiness and whole new emptiness opened up inside her- the kind that wants people and craves experience. Everyday someone new came over. Everyday she had a different conversation, a different laugh, a different smile, a new memory. And she found that people completed her more than any of her things did, people filled her more than the contents of those trash bags.

She'd never go back. That mistake was done and she'd saved herself.

Part of Story 2

*Please, no one get pissy or uber flattered. Alot of this is just fictional shit that I think of when I'm high.*

I just regarded every lip lock to be a silent gift from him to me. Sometimes I imagined lips having what we wanted to say most written on them and when they'd touch, we could read and tell each other our biggest secrets. Like the electricity generated by two pairs of lips made the messages transferable. At least, that's what I felt like when I was kissing him. I was telling him everything I wanted him to know.

But he never got my message. Maybe he never cared to know.

And basically, I got all of his, even when it sucked to know.

He was the boy with the lips that I so wished to see the words "i love you" printed in them.

Story 1.

*Please, no one get pissy or uber flattered. Alot of this is just fictional shit that I think of when I'm high.*

There was a girl who would write texts to tunes, so that each text was a personal song to herself. She felt safe in secrets. Each song text was another thing to keep to herself and further distance herself from others.

A few things should be said.

First and foremost, you were not a mistake to me. I just personally feel like at some point I could have made better decisions. I feel like there was probably someway this could have been much easier. Maybe not. But I don't resent you, I enjoyed all the time we spent together. I'll admit that I'm still offended that you felt if you stayed over I definately would expect for you to sleep with me. Not true. But anyway. I won't go into a huge explanation of how I would just crave your company blah blah.

Just know I'm not mad at you. I don't have hard feelings against you. I never resented you. I've only resented myself for feeling the way I do. But I can't do this anymore, as you expected since you were the first to say that night would be the last- the one thing I hate to hear, but knew you'd make it happen at some point. I feel like if I make myself stop then it won't suck as much as when you do. At some point I stopped and thought about how I should protect myself. I'll miss you alot. I'll be okay.

I just had some unresolved feelings. I know I apologized for what you overheard when I was on the phone, and I'm deeply sorry. I feel more guilt than anything when I know I've upset or offended you. You're an incredible person. Honest, cross my heart and hoping to die. I want you to be happy and what's good is that I know you will be. You'll go home and see your family and see her and, well the world will make much more sense that way.

I have alot more to say, but it's beginning to just become ramble. I would stop here, but that wouldn't be a strong ending. I love those, but sadly I can't think of one. This is all I have.

I'll keep looking, I'll keep trying to believe.

"Everything you do in life will seem insignificant, but it's very important that you do it."

-Mohandas Ghandi

It's cliché to quote Ghandi, but this seem so true to my life. I struggle with the feeling that everything I'm doing right now has no purpose or is getting me anywhere significant. I just wish I could experience what he did and what made him come to this conclusion.

It's nearing.

I'm dreading the end of school because then I know I have to start making choices for the next year. I'm not even sure about where I'll be. If I come back to school then I'm not sure of where I'm living. That's nerve racking.


If my grades aren't good enough for me to come back, then I have no idea what I'll do. I'll be leaving everything I know once again. There are people I don't think will be easy to leave, let alone never see again. But that's not something I can really help I think.

God, I want to come back, but I'm so afraid of coming back. I don't know where I'll live. I don't know who I'd live with. I don't even know who I'm close to here anymore. It's a really uneasy feeling.



fas;lfj;alfjaiewof, okay. What's worse is that I don't help myself at all because I don't take enough time to figure it out and think about it. I put it out of my mind. Avoid it so I don't have to think about it.


I need to get this all straight before it's too late, and before it hurts more later on than it does now.

Arsenic

You are poison and everyday I'm getting sicker.

“We live in a society of victimization, where people are much more
comfortable being victimized than actually standing up for themselves.”

-Marilyn Manson

Actually, I have to disagree. I believe we live in a world where people rather victimize others than stand up for themselves.

Here.

We all need to cover our eyes and forget. Just forget what people look like, what the sunshine looks like, how green grass can grow, how tall buildings can be, how blue mountains can look, how trees look in the wind, how flowers are more than one color. To see the planes fly overhead, to see geese form a "V", to watch babies run, to see mothers cry and fathers laugh, to see a smile, witness a sunrise, count the stars, and see the moon phase. Let's cover our eyes and see blackness for years. When we finally open them again we'd only see beauty. Nothing would be ugly. It'd all be glorious and new. There's no way we could hate. To see another persons face and know they're seeing yours, really seeing, not looking. Well that's love. That's love.

Maybe

I also want to trust that there is someone who will accept all parts of me. Even the worst, most unlikable parts. Isn't that what caring for someone is all about? For the people I've come to care alot for, I accept their addictions, mental problems, annoyances, sadness and anger. It's just a part of them, and I love it. I love them. I love you. That's what it is. That's "I love you". Being okay with all of it...even somewhat loving the bad things.

I look at you and I think of your smile and your laugh. I think of your jokes and the way your eyes scan a room and find mine. I think of your hug and your art. I see your paranoia, distance, anxiety, insecurity and I think of how it completes you. It's just a part of you. And when I say "I love you" i'm saying "you", not sitting and choosing the few things I love about you. Not "Oh, I love your hair, your laugh, your jokes, your walk, your clothes, your hands, the shape of your ears, the 6 different smiles you have, the pace of your breath, the way words sound when you say them, the spring in your step, how your voice changes when you tell me something special." No, if I love you, I love it all.

Is there anyone that thinks that way of me? Like, are there other people who can say those things about me? Would they ever think of it? Cuse I can say those things about a few of people.

Have I moved anyone? Cuse...personally I feel like people move me so much. When I'm around someone I care about, well, almost anything they do moves me. I'm awoken and inspired.

Have I ever changed something in someone? I feel like I always get the short end of the stick.

A nothing reflection.

I look at myself and feel really empty. I look at everyone else and I feel empty. Like, I'm beginning to feel like I'm seen as a joke to everyone.

How am I percieved by you all? Cuse I see one thing, and you see one thing. I don't hate myself, I mean I do sometimes, but I'm starting to feel like everyone else is hating me. Like, they're seeing every ugly, humiliating part of me. It's like the parts I try to hide they see the most.

I think about the things I do daily and I guess I can understand why I'd be a fool to everyone. Fuck, thinking about it, looking at it from afar; that is literally the saddest thing I've ever seen. Who the hell am I? I'm not doing anything great and that's so upsetting to me cuse I have such expectations and hopes for myself. I guess maybe it's my disappointment that's weighing on me the most.

I feel...so unimportant. I have no one needing me, no one seeming to really want me. And that's not neurotic or anything, ever human being needs to feel wanted or needed, otherwise all we'd be is alone. That's an idea though; a world of people wanting and needing, but never finding. It's almost like the feeling of being hungry, but never eating.

Sometimes I feel like if everyone wasn't more complete than me then they'd understand the way I am. Maybe it's just that they misunderstand me. I know I have issues sometimes, but I feel like it's ultimately misunderstood. Maybe I don't understand that "completeness" of others.

I feel like I might be sick. I hate these sinking feelings. I hate, I hate, I hate.
I hate that hole that's growing in my stomach. I feel it raw and bleeding. It's infected and swelling. It's literally making me sick. It's all because there's nothing to fill it.

I'm so incomplete at times. I'm trying to figure out what it is that fills me. I know the things that do, but I can never have them all at once. That just makes it feel worse...knowing that.

I don't have that stability. I don't have that certainty...and I think I've never really known that feeling. Really knowing with all your being that someone or something will always be there. I want so much to believe, but deep inside me there's always that fear that I'll end up ultimately feeling...empty.

Why doesn't it ever work out? Why don't I ever have something and get to keep it. I guess it'd be terrible to break the trend. Maybe God is playing with me. It seems that from the start He just decided that I'd never get to just...be. I'd always have to be looking and filling and losing and breaking and filling and looking and losing.

Looking,
Losing,
Breaking,
Looking,
Filling,
Filling,
Filling,
Losing,
Losing,
Breaking,
Losing.

Why do I have to be like this? I want relief.

And you, I just thought of you. And the way you look at me. And now I'm embarrassed. But...your looks...it's you. Maybe.

There's that plunge in my stomach. It comes in waves. Can't one of them just drown me? One day they'll overwhelm me. I'm not that strong anyway.

This is the longest entry I've written in awhile. It's been one of those days. It's a sunday. It's one of those days. I love that I rationalize all of this based on the day of the week.

I am a joke.

Believe it or not.

I can tell when you make excuses. I'm not an idiot. It's insulting.

As long as I'm still living nothing is set in stone. I have the ability to change things for the better, or for the worse, if I choose to do so.

Thoughts. Lately my thoughts have been quiet, which I take as a good sign. I think things are feeling okay, so I'm okay.

I'm okay. I have to say that I'm very happy. I think things will be alright.

A French Twist.

And I don't mean the hairstyle. (How many people really got that?)

Okay, so I was on youtube looking for covers to Kid Cudi's song Pursuit of Happiness and this is what I found:

After you get over the initial shock, cuse believe me I was...in shock. I didn't expect that little beebee voice and I wasn't sure I liked it, but after about 30 seconds I was like "hell yes, little french girl."

So now I'm subscribed to her and a little in love. I swear there is some odd connection between France and love. Eerie. Anyways, enjoy. And look her up. She has an abundance of covers. She's cute.

My one review.

I wish I could sit and tell you every aspect of why Remember Me was a really great movie, but I'd give away the most astounding part. I wish I could convince every human being to go see this movie without risk of hearing anything about it first.

My point right now is to tell you to trust me, that this movie is eye opening and beautiful. I can't tell you anymore. I'd be robbing you the luxury I had when I saw this movie. Not knowing is the best part.

Believe me. It's fantastic.

Hmm. Brilliance.

:D

Formspring.

Someone asked: "why do you look down on everyone else?"

Why is it worded this way? It's like an accusation. Not "Do you look down on everyone?" It's like "You do look down on everyone. Why?"

I don't look down on everyone. I find alot of good in a lot of people, but more often than not people just confuse me; their motives, their motivations, their reactions. Alot I don't agree with, and I feel like many people could agree with that, so I don't know why it's such a big deal that I don't really "get" people.

I have hope for humanity. I have hope for good intentions and good outcomes, but sometimes there's just one bad person who...is just wrong. And I guess that discourages me. I've become aware that people are stupid, even me. I don't have some silent contempt against everyone around me. I have more bitterness towards myself than anyone else. So, who ever asked, does that make you happy? You're better than me, really. Congratulations. That's not hard to accomplish.

I care about people. Alot. I find the few people who I'm able to connect with and from that point, I care. I care about anything that has to deal with you. Once I feel for you, you could tell me anything and I wouldn't judge you because I know that at some point in my life I've done something just as worthy of embarrassment or shame. Who the hell am I to judge you? And I already love you, that can't change.

So, I'm sorry if I give off the impression that I'm a pompous bitch who doesn't give a shit about anyone. I do. I care more than most. That might be why I protect myself. It's easy for me to be hurt, but I love to love. It's what helps me most. So it's so unbelievably bothersome to me when someone doesn't like me. But isn't that what we all want? To be liked, appreciated, wanted?

I went off on a tangent, but that one question; that one simple question really did something to me. I felt deeply disturbed by it. I needed to fix it.

Dizzy Dreamer

I slept for a long time. In my 15 hours of sleep I had about 6 distinct dreams. You were the focus of each one. I spent the whole night with you. Too bad you don't remember.

Haha.

Too sad.

Some things are that simple.

You: "I love you smiling."

Me: "That's nice. Like...that's a nice statement."

You: "That's true. Like...the statement."

.

These might be some of the nicest, awkward words I've exchanged with someone in awhile.

"Sometimes I think if my mother wasn't so good at pretending to be happy she might be better at actually being happy."

Quote

"Sometimes it seems like we're all living in some kind of prison. And the crime is how much we hate ourselves. It's good to get really dressed up once in a while. And admit the truth: that when you really look closely? People are so strange and so complicated that they're actually... beautiful. Possibly even me."

- Angela from My So-Called Life

Excuse me?

OK, really now,

my interpretation of this video is...

the mother did hard drugs while pregnant with this poor child and now he suffers from severe psychosis...or at least someone does. Whatever, I really thought this was pretty awesome. Haha.

If there is some 15 second commercial at the beginning, wait through it. It's worth it.

Something I Should Remind Myself

"What a strange narrowness of mind now is that, to think the things we have not known are better than the things we have known."

-Samuel Johnson

Be Optimistic

I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying!

I'm thinking about life all the time now, and yea I reiterate this thought constantly in my posts.
I'm wondering what I should do next year. I want to come back because I can't begin to explain how fucking sick I am of moving from school to school and from person to person. I want to be able to see the same people again next year, but...I don't know what the friggin' feck I'm doing here.

I've been thinking about culinary school. Cindy thinks it could be a really good idea. That's why she's my top murr. Gah, Kaity is a dork. Anyway.

Culinary school. Cooking...food art...fullness. I'll just fill all my missing parts with food. YES.
But really, Culinary school.

I think it could be really great. I can't deal with this whole "general education" idea anymore. I've been getting general education now for 13 years of my life. I now want to go to a school where I can just do one thing and one thing only.

Art and acting...well I'd love that. I'd FUCKING love that. But now lately I've been struggling with what I'm actually going to make a career out of. Those two things have very rocky futures. I can't handle instability right now. I can't even handle the idea of it.

I like to cook. I like to bake. I want to travel...and well, I can see all of that being very possible with a culinary future.

I think I'll dwell on the idea some more. I'm actually a little excited about it. I feel some hope.

Like I Didn't See That Coming

Margot & the Nuclear So & So's

I found this band a week or two ago after Eric introduced me to Cloud Cult and Manchester Orchestra. They have a really nice sound and all their songs seem to differ in some way which I personally enjoy.

Here are some favorites of mine:


Broadripple Is Burning

Skeleton Key by Margot & the Nuclear So and So's

A Sea Chanty Of Sorts by Margot & the Nuclear So and So's

Broadripple is Burning

This is one of the best covers I've seen. One reason being that he uses harmonica at the beginning and for some reason no one else thought to do that.

Happiness Prevention.

Shoot.

Shoot.

Shoot.

Where is my future?

Because I'm pretty sure I can't find it.