To my future child,

I write to you because you do not exist. It helps knowing that you're just an idea and "someone" I can write to and, sure, listen. I've found myself losing all sense of direction, and I'm afraid to say that I keep running into "no U-turn" signs.

I realize I've been doubting myself too much. Why does that make me want to cry? What I fear most for you is that you ever doubt yourself the way I have myself. It really is the one thing that could cripple you, and I've let it cripple me in every way. I've loved so many things and yet all I can say is that I've loved them. I love art and film and theatre. It's what I'm good at. It's what I've taken pride in. I guess I need to stop worrying about what could go wrong, but think about what I like and go with it.

I've loved horses and nature. I've loved people. By the time you're born, and named and learning, I want to be doing what I love. That's something you need to see. I'm not sure why I've gotten so lost along the way, but it's been the slowest of downward spirals. And you know the worst part, I don't know how to get back up. Where exactly should I start, I missed some of my biggest chances. There's another lesson for you- realize life as you live it. For awhile, I was a little blind. I kind of almost forgot why I was living; that I was here to actually be doing something. Just know you'll have as much purpose as the rest of us; that you'll be overflowing with potential. When you're three I'll ask you what you want to do when you're grown up. I can't wait to hear your answer. I can't wait to watch you become someone, and do it so much better than me.

Love,
Your mother