A nothing reflection.

I look at myself and feel really empty. I look at everyone else and I feel empty. Like, I'm beginning to feel like I'm seen as a joke to everyone.

How am I percieved by you all? Cuse I see one thing, and you see one thing. I don't hate myself, I mean I do sometimes, but I'm starting to feel like everyone else is hating me. Like, they're seeing every ugly, humiliating part of me. It's like the parts I try to hide they see the most.

I think about the things I do daily and I guess I can understand why I'd be a fool to everyone. Fuck, thinking about it, looking at it from afar; that is literally the saddest thing I've ever seen. Who the hell am I? I'm not doing anything great and that's so upsetting to me cuse I have such expectations and hopes for myself. I guess maybe it's my disappointment that's weighing on me the most.

I feel...so unimportant. I have no one needing me, no one seeming to really want me. And that's not neurotic or anything, ever human being needs to feel wanted or needed, otherwise all we'd be is alone. That's an idea though; a world of people wanting and needing, but never finding. It's almost like the feeling of being hungry, but never eating.

Sometimes I feel like if everyone wasn't more complete than me then they'd understand the way I am. Maybe it's just that they misunderstand me. I know I have issues sometimes, but I feel like it's ultimately misunderstood. Maybe I don't understand that "completeness" of others.

I feel like I might be sick. I hate these sinking feelings. I hate, I hate, I hate.
I hate that hole that's growing in my stomach. I feel it raw and bleeding. It's infected and swelling. It's literally making me sick. It's all because there's nothing to fill it.

I'm so incomplete at times. I'm trying to figure out what it is that fills me. I know the things that do, but I can never have them all at once. That just makes it feel worse...knowing that.

I don't have that stability. I don't have that certainty...and I think I've never really known that feeling. Really knowing with all your being that someone or something will always be there. I want so much to believe, but deep inside me there's always that fear that I'll end up ultimately feeling...empty.

Why doesn't it ever work out? Why don't I ever have something and get to keep it. I guess it'd be terrible to break the trend. Maybe God is playing with me. It seems that from the start He just decided that I'd never get to just...be. I'd always have to be looking and filling and losing and breaking and filling and looking and losing.

Looking,
Losing,
Breaking,
Looking,
Filling,
Filling,
Filling,
Losing,
Losing,
Breaking,
Losing.

Why do I have to be like this? I want relief.

And you, I just thought of you. And the way you look at me. And now I'm embarrassed. But...your looks...it's you. Maybe.

There's that plunge in my stomach. It comes in waves. Can't one of them just drown me? One day they'll overwhelm me. I'm not that strong anyway.

This is the longest entry I've written in awhile. It's been one of those days. It's a sunday. It's one of those days. I love that I rationalize all of this based on the day of the week.

I am a joke.