Ugly.

I'm thinking of just deleting all this rubbish, bullshit. I mean, none of it seems worth it anymore. It might just cause more trouble.

But anyway, things had been better. I'd gotten my awesome volunteer job with gorillas and I just got a job at this nice restaurant. I'll be making money.

But I guess I'm still lonely and missing everyone I can't have. I'm hating myself for not being able to make friends easier, kinda hating myself for the fact that I don't want to get to know people. I'm more content being alone I think.

I went out last night...for the first time since I've been home. I spent time with people, saw an old, old friend- AWKWARD since she and I are so clearly different people now. There was a cute guy there and the attraction made me want to run screaming. Hate that feeling. FUCK THAT. Also I hadn't been remotely attracted to anyone for forever. Still, it's not the same, and it won't be in a long, long time. I'll be alone for awhile, I've known that for AWHILE now.
Also, the person I went with kept hugging me. I'm sorry, guys I'm uninterested in and aren't super tight with hugging me makes me want to die on spot. Please don't touch me.

I'm excited about going into work tomorrow. It'll be my first day of training. It's something I'm interested in, and keeps my mind off things I'm much more interested in. Same thing with my volunteer job.

I start Tuesday. I have to wake up at 5 am to get ready and be at the zoo by 7 am. I'll work until 3:30 pm and I'll be too tired and too busy to think of you. But the minute I get in my car, I'll check my phone hoping to God that maybe you sent a text my way.

I haven't showered today, and I just found toothpaste on the corner of my mouth. Must have been there for about 4 hours. How pathetic. Anyway, I clean up pretty nicely...usually. Unless I'm really hungover or was crying before I fell asleep.

What's really great, and what keeps me going, is the thought that I have two more months of this to enjoy. There's some sarcasm for you.

But you know, these two months will be better than the next 9 months of no one fucking being here because all these "successful" children will be going back to college. I'm envious because I miss the good memories at ODU, but I know going back would kill me...just because I'd be haunted by all those memories...and the reality that I suck at anything school related. Not learning related, but SCHOOL. Fuck me and school.

Allllright. I'm done right now. I want to continue...end with something romantic and lovely, but shit, I'm kinda all out of romance...i mean...it's kinda been sucked out of my life. :D
So here. Ugly, ugly, ugly.