Why I Doubt You.

I struggle with God a lot. I always have. I struggle with the question of why things happen, and I always rationalize that it's all for a reason, that He has a bigger plan for things than I had for myself. But...still. There's so much doubt in my heart...especially now. I mean, when it comes to my pain I try to give God the chance to show me that it's all for a reason; that I'm suppose to learn from this experience. I feel like through my experiences he's taught me many things. He's taught me to be aware of the evil in the world, He's made me cautious, He's made me loving. Maybe it was Him who helped me find the people I have in my life today.

But when I pray, I feel like I never get what I asked for. Then I wonder if I'm not asking for the right things...maybe He hasn't taught me enough.

I think of my mother.

What good came from her death? Did God give her signs? Why didn't she follow? And if she was supposed to die, what was the reason? What good came from a good person's death? No one learned from it. She didn't die to make a point. That's why I struggle. That's why I hate Him. Even when I try to be civil with God...I feel that He knows deep down how much I want to deject Him from my life.

What would I have learned from my mothers death? How would it help me to live with an aunt who can't understand me? How has it helped me to never be able to feel love for family? I don't love any of my family. I think having no mother did that to me. I realize everyday how much I'm detached from the world, even though I claim differently.

My friends are different. I would kill for them.

I don't know. Half the time I'm angry because deep down in my conscience I feel like God failed me. Then I feel guilty because I feel like maybe I've failed Him by failing to understand, and in doing so I've failed my mom...because she must have died to make some sort of point.

I'm just so lost because I have no roots. What is a person who has nothing to keep them rooted to the ground?

I feel like this is where my desire to travel comes from. I want to go around and make a history for myself and have stories for my children, because when I was young I never got to hear stories of my mother or my family. Family was never spoken of. It kinda feels like I'm the first generation of my family...as if there haven't been thousands of generations before me.

I'll try harder to understand.
Maybe this desire I have is my sign from God. Maybe that's what he's trying to tell me.