Change, Changing, Changed.

I find solace in the idea that life continues and changes. Or I thought I did. I like the idea that things don't always have to be hard because lately I've been feeling like everything is really hard. But change seems to be the biggest problem in my life.

People change, I change and you can't predict everything. I feel like I have a problem with trying to control the things that move around me because I feel like I have such little control of the things in my life.

I feel like once something seems to be going one way it changes. I can't take that emotional developement because it always happens so fast.

Two days ago things seemed one way, then suddenly it makes such a drastic change. How do you deal with such ups and downs? I don't think I can.

I need time to get used to something and I usually have very little time. I realize I have absolutely no control in my emotions either. It's so unfair. It feels like other people are so much more put together than I am. I hate the idea of being less of a person than others, but that's how I often feel.

But then I go through these moods where I feel like I might be better than most. I deal with alot of self-doubt, lack of self-satisfaction, and insecurity and I spend about 80% of my time trying to convince myself otherwise.

Are all people this complicated? And why is it so hard? Why is it so fucking hard to accept change and disappointment; so hard to accept yourself?

Anyway. I know there is something there inside me even though I feel like it's slowly disappearing. I've been losing it gradually over this school year. I wasn't aware how well Christine was holding me together with her presence and availability to me.

I never realized how breakable I was.