Be Optimistic

I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying!

I'm thinking about life all the time now, and yea I reiterate this thought constantly in my posts.
I'm wondering what I should do next year. I want to come back because I can't begin to explain how fucking sick I am of moving from school to school and from person to person. I want to be able to see the same people again next year, but...I don't know what the friggin' feck I'm doing here.

I've been thinking about culinary school. Cindy thinks it could be a really good idea. That's why she's my top murr. Gah, Kaity is a dork. Anyway.

Culinary school. Cooking...food art...fullness. I'll just fill all my missing parts with food. YES.
But really, Culinary school.

I think it could be really great. I can't deal with this whole "general education" idea anymore. I've been getting general education now for 13 years of my life. I now want to go to a school where I can just do one thing and one thing only.

Art and acting...well I'd love that. I'd FUCKING love that. But now lately I've been struggling with what I'm actually going to make a career out of. Those two things have very rocky futures. I can't handle instability right now. I can't even handle the idea of it.

I like to cook. I like to bake. I want to travel...and well, I can see all of that being very possible with a culinary future.

I think I'll dwell on the idea some more. I'm actually a little excited about it. I feel some hope.

Like I Didn't See That Coming

Margot & the Nuclear So & So's

I found this band a week or two ago after Eric introduced me to Cloud Cult and Manchester Orchestra. They have a really nice sound and all their songs seem to differ in some way which I personally enjoy.

Here are some favorites of mine:


Broadripple Is Burning

Skeleton Key by Margot & the Nuclear So and So's

A Sea Chanty Of Sorts by Margot & the Nuclear So and So's

Broadripple is Burning

This is one of the best covers I've seen. One reason being that he uses harmonica at the beginning and for some reason no one else thought to do that.

Happiness Prevention.

Shoot.

Shoot.

Shoot.

Where is my future?

Because I'm pretty sure I can't find it.

True story.

Is that bad?

I'm really disgusted when guys show interest in me. Like, I'm just repulsed. And it's crazy cuse half the time they don't get it. If I wanted you, you'd know, so why the fuck are you on my nuts, because i know I'm not sending any mixed signals.

"I'm lonely in my room"
"I'm sorry"
"Wanna come over and hang out?"
"That makes me feel uncomfortable. And you know exactly why."
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Another guy, another situation:

"Want to hang out?"
"Uh....sure"
"You're like..one of my biggest crushes here."
".....What? 'Crushes'? Me?...Oh"

Well that went NO where. Thank god.
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But really, there are the guys I turned down months ago who will still text me every once in a blue moon and try...again. Do you not understand that you speaking to me makes me feel violated?

I hate when I'm sitting outside and one of these guys sits across from me and rapes me with his eyes. Please stop it.

Attention like this used to hold some minimal amount of interest to me...just because I liked to people squirm, but now it's just aggravating.

I don't want you. I'm insulted that you even think about me.

There's no true answer.

There are days when I wonder if you know me at all, and even care to.


Then there are days where I really feel like you really just...fit...right in my mind.
Like...maybe I can say something and you get it, but someone else wouldn't.


It's totally odd. I can talk to you in ways I can't with others. Like, really talk. Or just talk about nothing at all, but it all means just as much to me.
Funny right? I don't mind expressing myself to you, which I've been finding more difficulty doing with alot of people. I don't mind telling secrets to you, or telling you about myself.


Yes, there are days that I wonder if you even listen to all the things we talk about. Then there are the days when you actually remind me of conversations we had. That always excites me. I like memories.


But it seems to be a trend that any day I'd pass up almost anything (some things I could just never pass up...like a one on one date with Johnny Depp or a trip to Arizona to see Christine) to just have a good conversation with you. Fuck superficial hellos, I actually give a shit to know what you've legitamately thought about this afternoon.





Maybe I'm just totally insane. That's actually much more probable than everything else.



But really. That's the feeling I get.

Driving is Always Theraputic

It was a bitch that I had to drive for four hours, but I didn't mind.

I was doing a favor for a friend and I actually thoroughly enjoyed myself.

I listened to music...really loud.

And drove fast...30 miles over the speed limit. (ooooo. Impressive, really.)

And at one point on the highway I screamed. Really. Fucking. Loud.

And shit, I swear I haven't been that awake in...a very long time.

God, there wasn't anything more invigorating than that.

So basically, my drive was awesome. However, I now feel like a total zombie while writing this.

I think it's that I feel weird being completely stationary. And I'm realizing that everything is back to the way it was before. Nothing changed.

While I was driving I think I convinced myself that I was driving away forever...and going to do something with myself. Do what? Who fucking cares. I don't care. I don't even feel like making a plan for myself anymore. I just want to go and see what happens and see where all of this takes me.

I feel like for too long I've been trying to control life. Again, that probably has to do with the fact that I feel like I have control of nothing. But, maybe I'm done with that. Maybe tomorrow even that will be back to normal.

I just felt really inspired.

POOP POOP POOP

A poop video. I fuck up alot. But I was tired of recording.
When I get home long enough I plan to learn the music and do a proper cover.

This is such a POOP video.

Update, bah bah.

Here's another good cover of the same song. Very different, but seems more real.

I enjoy.

Challenge!

This guy looks like a douche, but I have, never, ever seen a better cover of this song, Sleeper 1972 by Manchester Orchestra. Ever.

(And by that, I don't mean this is the best I think a cover could be)




I CHALLENGE YOU ALL.

A High Find

"May your organs fail before your dreams fail you. May your organs fail before your dreams fail you. May your organs fail before your dreams fail you."

How disgusting.

I was outside earlier and overheard someone talking about how they breed pitbulls to fight them; saying that for a male you can get $350 and for a female you can get $450, talking about it as if it's a business.

There aren't enough words to discribe how utterly disturbed I was.

Do people not get how inhumane this is? How greedy are we? Exploiting animals...creating ruthless creatures...

Again. I have nothing to say. I was disgusted. I wanted to punch this guy in the face. I hope that one of his dogs turns on him. It'll probably happen at some point. It usually does.

Ah, dear, dear.

He's beautiful, but has blue hair. Haha. I sometimes randomly think of this and feel so sad about it. It's a little unfair, ruining your good looks with turquoise locks.

You really do meet the most peculiar people, Christine.
I know you agree...on all the thing stated in this post.

Gorgeous boy.

Parts of my life.

The piano, well there's a really short clip from a reallllly shitty practice video.
It's so shitty.

I'm honestly embarrassed to put it up, but I don't know. I've been thinking about playing so often now that I really wanted to make it part of this blog, so I decided to put something up, despite how sad and pathetic it is. It doesn't even show any real talent. Sadness.

I also feel really insecure about the singing. I haven't sung in so long, and definately not solo either. Sometimes I sing when I play piano, but I usually let the piano drown me out.

And then there's my dogs. I love them. Watch them. They're sweet.

My #1 Hero

Natalie Tran on Youtube.

Here, here.

Raise your arms, let the air flow, take a breath and see where it all goes. If it feels right, it's right. If you're happy, then take it. The embrace is perfect; oh so perfect.

Dear Iris,

I hardly knew you; hardly enough to say I loved you, but deep in my heart you're the thing I probably miss most in this world.

Smash

I like the crunch of leaves under my feet. I like to go out of my way to squash them and hear them cry.

Crunch, crunch, cruch.

Get out, get out, get out.

BAHH!

Bye bye little dried up leaves.

For you

just so you have something to read when you want to know all the good things, or when you want to be reminded of them.



I love that you're awesome at ping pong. I guess I always like the best- that's what you are.

I like how much you make me laugh and in all the ways you make it happen.

I like your dirty white shoes that have been through hell and back. I like your plaid pajama pants. I miss those khaki shorts with the holes...that you swear I made.

I like your eyes...even though they intimidate me.
I like the way you laugh and how you sound when you do.

Your facial expressions are catching...sometimes I almost catch myself doing them. It's embarrassing, but I kinda like it. As long as no one else notices.

I like that you play guitar and that I didn't know until after a few weeks of knowing you. I hate people who talk about it all the time as if it's their life. It is your life and who talks about their life all the time?

I like the weird ways you text me (ex. Hi Hey Hello)
I like knowing you want to be near me.

I like the way you hug me and how it felt when you did. Maybe I more than like it.

I love that I forget the things that make me unhappy when I'm near you.

I love staying the night with you, or you staying the night with me. Even when you accidently hit or push me...or talk to me in your sleep.
I like when I move away from you and you just pull me closer.

I like the way you talk. I like the sound of your voice. I like when I can hear you from far away and I get a little hopeful/excited.
The way you make me feel scares me, but I like it.

I love the amount of times we've watched Benjamin Button.
I love when you look at me...kinda feels like I don't exist until you do.

I like waking up next to you.
I like being able to think about it throughout the day.

I like that the sound of your name immediately reminds me of good times.

I love that I met you.

I'm happy you held my hand during the movie.
I appreciate that you paid for me and didn't hate me afterwards.

I love the memories.

I hate how gay this is.
I hate the idea of you reading this.

I like imagining that maybe you'll be smiling when you read this.

I like your smile. Alot.
I like to know you're happy. I like to think that I make you happy.


This is all. This is everything.

Valentine's Day.

I just remembered. THAT'S funny.

By far the greatest day of the year until everyone is disappointed because of such high expectations. Whatever, I embrace my cynical sarcasm.

This is a joke. It all is.

Change, Changing, Changed.

I find solace in the idea that life continues and changes. Or I thought I did. I like the idea that things don't always have to be hard because lately I've been feeling like everything is really hard. But change seems to be the biggest problem in my life.

People change, I change and you can't predict everything. I feel like I have a problem with trying to control the things that move around me because I feel like I have such little control of the things in my life.

I feel like once something seems to be going one way it changes. I can't take that emotional developement because it always happens so fast.

Two days ago things seemed one way, then suddenly it makes such a drastic change. How do you deal with such ups and downs? I don't think I can.

I need time to get used to something and I usually have very little time. I realize I have absolutely no control in my emotions either. It's so unfair. It feels like other people are so much more put together than I am. I hate the idea of being less of a person than others, but that's how I often feel.

But then I go through these moods where I feel like I might be better than most. I deal with alot of self-doubt, lack of self-satisfaction, and insecurity and I spend about 80% of my time trying to convince myself otherwise.

Are all people this complicated? And why is it so hard? Why is it so fucking hard to accept change and disappointment; so hard to accept yourself?

Anyway. I know there is something there inside me even though I feel like it's slowly disappearing. I've been losing it gradually over this school year. I wasn't aware how well Christine was holding me together with her presence and availability to me.

I never realized how breakable I was.

Fcuk being sane.

A shit "poem". It's basically alot of thoughts that don't really make correct, full sentences, so I put it into stanzas.

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More often than not
I'm feeling all the burning
uncertainty in my life.

And I could ask you why
one hundred thousand times,
but I know that even when I
look you in the eye,
you can never give me an answer.

It's hard to say where it started
and when it ended (if it even did),
and I can ask all the questions
I want from anyone, even they
will not know.

And it's so hard to be honest;
it's so hard to find the truth
because, really, I'm all too weak
to take it.

I forget how lucky I am;
how disgustingly fortunate I
could be. When this is a revelation
I feel disappointed in myself.

Maybe that's the bigger problem,
I'm so unaware, I lose sight,
maybe sometimes I don't even care.
Don't forgive me, not until I forgive myself.

So this is to you, to everyone who I've
let down. This is to myself, because I'm
the one who I've been most abusive to.

It's true.

I never had family in my life. That's why I hold so closely to anything I care for. It's so hard to give up the emotions I have for people. I don't think I can. I yearn for closeness with all kinds of people.

When I make friends, I'm making a family for myself.

Dust

We're becoming strangers.

Things are going well. Classes suck. I never make it to my morning classes, but for some reason I'm feeling optimistic. I also have to make up an exam. Fuck. I need to study, but I realized a long, long, long time ago that I'm terrible at studying. I don't think I even know how.


There are alot of things that I don't know how to do. Most of them I want to learn. Studying I don't want to learn. I've also started my community service. It's lame, but I've realized it won't be painful at least.

I need less pain in my life.

I hate the feeling of disappointment that quietly layers everything in my life. It's the disappointment that I'm feeling from other people that gets me the most.


I've been talking about Christine all the time lately. I can tell that I'm starting to miss her more and more as a I realize that it's getting closer to a year since I've seen her. It's crazy that it's almost been that long.



But that's my life...I live a life where I wouldn't see my best friend for a year and there's nothing I can really do about it...immediately.

But even though this has sounded more negative than positive, things are okay right now. They're better than they have been.

I'm trying so hard

to be productive; to get all my shit done, but I find myself getting so exhausted after working for five minutes. I'm such a sad person. It actually disappoints me. I'm disappointed in myself. And I hate when I procrastinate and then get stressed from all the things I have to do at once.

But I've been thinking lately that I never really have much to do, it's just one or two things seem like so much more work than they are.

I'm lazy and I feel sorry for myself way too often.

You know

I lie to myself about almost everything, which is why I don't lie to anyone else...I figure I already lie too much as it is.

Party, Party, Party

Maybe I'll follow in your astounding example and get wasted to forget about everything.

Crazy enough, so far it hasn't worked. And I'm pretty fucking drunk. Took me a few tries to spell everything in this post correctly.

Fuck you, you stupid drunk/high ass.

Wow, maybe I won't stoop to your pathetic level.

I need to start

finding better ways of protecting myself from the hazards around me.

I need a double shot of morphine.

I'm beyond humilated. I feel so vulnerable and lame.

Wow. And I'm so angry, livid, really. But then I feel guilty for being angry.

But then I hate you anyway.

And I hate myself.

And because I'm not exactly sure what I'm feeling, I feel numb and unraveled.

I don't know if I should be angry or sad, I just feel like hating everything.

Right now I'm okay. I won't be in awhile again. I'll have my ups and downs (as we all do), but I'd really rather forget about you completely. I'd love if you passed by and I didn't recognize your miserable face.

I wonder if I forgot about you and met you again if I'd fall for you all over again too.

Eric Hollingsworth February 4 at 8:30pm

Fuck him. Walk on water, your better off without him.

Kaity McDowell February 4 at 8:49pm

I know. I got an icee and I just had some herb roasted chicken. My lips are bright red and I'm looking for a movie to watch.

Hey, look at that. My life is going on.

My heart breaks

every fucking time I see a picture of a gorilla.

It is, in my all important opinion, the most gorgeous animal that exists on this planet.

What I would do to work with gorillas, but I don't even know how you even begin to get involved in that.

A gentle, intelligent, gorgeous creature.

Stand still and let me stab you.

Fuck, you read my most personal thoughts, "Can you take me off?"

That's all you have to say?

Fucking let you eat my cereal and you drank all my milk. You really do just take everything, and give nothing back.

You might be one of the most selfish people I've ever met.

And how about telling me what you're really thinking to my face and then not stay the night if you feel like this isn't anything special.

How dare you waste my time and then say "How was this not a waste of time to you, Kaity?"

Please, stand still and let me fucking kill you.

Yea, I'm a wishy washy cunt,

but I want to rip your throat out sometimes.

Thanks for not being there,

thanks for making me feel used,

thanks for being as vague as possible,

thanks for sucking big time.

Fuck. Use your words. For once. Stupid asshole.

Johnathan Safran Foer

Shit, I don't know. I really like this author. Here are some books that I've read of his and some that I haven't read. I'll be meaning to do that when I get my head/life straight.

I fucking suck.

I lied to my teacher to get out of going to class.

I have no more cigarettes. Good. You're fucking sick.

Someone finally fucking called me to give me a schedule for my community service. For awhile I was thinking I was more responsible than the rest of the world...which is nearly impossible.

I also was getting anxious. 50 hours by March 10th? I have a little over 4 weeks. Fuck me, I thought I was screwed. I might still be, who really knows. But anyway, I have to get them done. Jail time to me doesn't sound like a blast.