A few things should be said.

First and foremost, you were not a mistake to me. I just personally feel like at some point I could have made better decisions. I feel like there was probably someway this could have been much easier. Maybe not. But I don't resent you, I enjoyed all the time we spent together. I'll admit that I'm still offended that you felt if you stayed over I definately would expect for you to sleep with me. Not true. But anyway. I won't go into a huge explanation of how I would just crave your company blah blah.

Just know I'm not mad at you. I don't have hard feelings against you. I never resented you. I've only resented myself for feeling the way I do. But I can't do this anymore, as you expected since you were the first to say that night would be the last- the one thing I hate to hear, but knew you'd make it happen at some point. I feel like if I make myself stop then it won't suck as much as when you do. At some point I stopped and thought about how I should protect myself. I'll miss you alot. I'll be okay.

I just had some unresolved feelings. I know I apologized for what you overheard when I was on the phone, and I'm deeply sorry. I feel more guilt than anything when I know I've upset or offended you. You're an incredible person. Honest, cross my heart and hoping to die. I want you to be happy and what's good is that I know you will be. You'll go home and see your family and see her and, well the world will make much more sense that way.

I have alot more to say, but it's beginning to just become ramble. I would stop here, but that wouldn't be a strong ending. I love those, but sadly I can't think of one. This is all I have.

I'll keep looking, I'll keep trying to believe.

"Everything you do in life will seem insignificant, but it's very important that you do it."

-Mohandas Ghandi

It's cliché to quote Ghandi, but this seem so true to my life. I struggle with the feeling that everything I'm doing right now has no purpose or is getting me anywhere significant. I just wish I could experience what he did and what made him come to this conclusion.

It's nearing.

I'm dreading the end of school because then I know I have to start making choices for the next year. I'm not even sure about where I'll be. If I come back to school then I'm not sure of where I'm living. That's nerve racking.


If my grades aren't good enough for me to come back, then I have no idea what I'll do. I'll be leaving everything I know once again. There are people I don't think will be easy to leave, let alone never see again. But that's not something I can really help I think.

God, I want to come back, but I'm so afraid of coming back. I don't know where I'll live. I don't know who I'd live with. I don't even know who I'm close to here anymore. It's a really uneasy feeling.



fas;lfj;alfjaiewof, okay. What's worse is that I don't help myself at all because I don't take enough time to figure it out and think about it. I put it out of my mind. Avoid it so I don't have to think about it.


I need to get this all straight before it's too late, and before it hurts more later on than it does now.

Arsenic

You are poison and everyday I'm getting sicker.

“We live in a society of victimization, where people are much more
comfortable being victimized than actually standing up for themselves.”

-Marilyn Manson

Actually, I have to disagree. I believe we live in a world where people rather victimize others than stand up for themselves.

Here.

We all need to cover our eyes and forget. Just forget what people look like, what the sunshine looks like, how green grass can grow, how tall buildings can be, how blue mountains can look, how trees look in the wind, how flowers are more than one color. To see the planes fly overhead, to see geese form a "V", to watch babies run, to see mothers cry and fathers laugh, to see a smile, witness a sunrise, count the stars, and see the moon phase. Let's cover our eyes and see blackness for years. When we finally open them again we'd only see beauty. Nothing would be ugly. It'd all be glorious and new. There's no way we could hate. To see another persons face and know they're seeing yours, really seeing, not looking. Well that's love. That's love.

Maybe

I also want to trust that there is someone who will accept all parts of me. Even the worst, most unlikable parts. Isn't that what caring for someone is all about? For the people I've come to care alot for, I accept their addictions, mental problems, annoyances, sadness and anger. It's just a part of them, and I love it. I love them. I love you. That's what it is. That's "I love you". Being okay with all of it...even somewhat loving the bad things.

I look at you and I think of your smile and your laugh. I think of your jokes and the way your eyes scan a room and find mine. I think of your hug and your art. I see your paranoia, distance, anxiety, insecurity and I think of how it completes you. It's just a part of you. And when I say "I love you" i'm saying "you", not sitting and choosing the few things I love about you. Not "Oh, I love your hair, your laugh, your jokes, your walk, your clothes, your hands, the shape of your ears, the 6 different smiles you have, the pace of your breath, the way words sound when you say them, the spring in your step, how your voice changes when you tell me something special." No, if I love you, I love it all.

Is there anyone that thinks that way of me? Like, are there other people who can say those things about me? Would they ever think of it? Cuse I can say those things about a few of people.

Have I moved anyone? Cuse...personally I feel like people move me so much. When I'm around someone I care about, well, almost anything they do moves me. I'm awoken and inspired.

Have I ever changed something in someone? I feel like I always get the short end of the stick.

A nothing reflection.

I look at myself and feel really empty. I look at everyone else and I feel empty. Like, I'm beginning to feel like I'm seen as a joke to everyone.

How am I percieved by you all? Cuse I see one thing, and you see one thing. I don't hate myself, I mean I do sometimes, but I'm starting to feel like everyone else is hating me. Like, they're seeing every ugly, humiliating part of me. It's like the parts I try to hide they see the most.

I think about the things I do daily and I guess I can understand why I'd be a fool to everyone. Fuck, thinking about it, looking at it from afar; that is literally the saddest thing I've ever seen. Who the hell am I? I'm not doing anything great and that's so upsetting to me cuse I have such expectations and hopes for myself. I guess maybe it's my disappointment that's weighing on me the most.

I feel...so unimportant. I have no one needing me, no one seeming to really want me. And that's not neurotic or anything, ever human being needs to feel wanted or needed, otherwise all we'd be is alone. That's an idea though; a world of people wanting and needing, but never finding. It's almost like the feeling of being hungry, but never eating.

Sometimes I feel like if everyone wasn't more complete than me then they'd understand the way I am. Maybe it's just that they misunderstand me. I know I have issues sometimes, but I feel like it's ultimately misunderstood. Maybe I don't understand that "completeness" of others.

I feel like I might be sick. I hate these sinking feelings. I hate, I hate, I hate.
I hate that hole that's growing in my stomach. I feel it raw and bleeding. It's infected and swelling. It's literally making me sick. It's all because there's nothing to fill it.

I'm so incomplete at times. I'm trying to figure out what it is that fills me. I know the things that do, but I can never have them all at once. That just makes it feel worse...knowing that.

I don't have that stability. I don't have that certainty...and I think I've never really known that feeling. Really knowing with all your being that someone or something will always be there. I want so much to believe, but deep inside me there's always that fear that I'll end up ultimately feeling...empty.

Why doesn't it ever work out? Why don't I ever have something and get to keep it. I guess it'd be terrible to break the trend. Maybe God is playing with me. It seems that from the start He just decided that I'd never get to just...be. I'd always have to be looking and filling and losing and breaking and filling and looking and losing.

Looking,
Losing,
Breaking,
Looking,
Filling,
Filling,
Filling,
Losing,
Losing,
Breaking,
Losing.

Why do I have to be like this? I want relief.

And you, I just thought of you. And the way you look at me. And now I'm embarrassed. But...your looks...it's you. Maybe.

There's that plunge in my stomach. It comes in waves. Can't one of them just drown me? One day they'll overwhelm me. I'm not that strong anyway.

This is the longest entry I've written in awhile. It's been one of those days. It's a sunday. It's one of those days. I love that I rationalize all of this based on the day of the week.

I am a joke.

Believe it or not.

I can tell when you make excuses. I'm not an idiot. It's insulting.

As long as I'm still living nothing is set in stone. I have the ability to change things for the better, or for the worse, if I choose to do so.

Thoughts. Lately my thoughts have been quiet, which I take as a good sign. I think things are feeling okay, so I'm okay.

I'm okay. I have to say that I'm very happy. I think things will be alright.

A French Twist.

And I don't mean the hairstyle. (How many people really got that?)

Okay, so I was on youtube looking for covers to Kid Cudi's song Pursuit of Happiness and this is what I found:

After you get over the initial shock, cuse believe me I was...in shock. I didn't expect that little beebee voice and I wasn't sure I liked it, but after about 30 seconds I was like "hell yes, little french girl."

So now I'm subscribed to her and a little in love. I swear there is some odd connection between France and love. Eerie. Anyways, enjoy. And look her up. She has an abundance of covers. She's cute.

My one review.

I wish I could sit and tell you every aspect of why Remember Me was a really great movie, but I'd give away the most astounding part. I wish I could convince every human being to go see this movie without risk of hearing anything about it first.

My point right now is to tell you to trust me, that this movie is eye opening and beautiful. I can't tell you anymore. I'd be robbing you the luxury I had when I saw this movie. Not knowing is the best part.

Believe me. It's fantastic.

Hmm. Brilliance.

:D

Formspring.

Someone asked: "why do you look down on everyone else?"

Why is it worded this way? It's like an accusation. Not "Do you look down on everyone?" It's like "You do look down on everyone. Why?"

I don't look down on everyone. I find alot of good in a lot of people, but more often than not people just confuse me; their motives, their motivations, their reactions. Alot I don't agree with, and I feel like many people could agree with that, so I don't know why it's such a big deal that I don't really "get" people.

I have hope for humanity. I have hope for good intentions and good outcomes, but sometimes there's just one bad person who...is just wrong. And I guess that discourages me. I've become aware that people are stupid, even me. I don't have some silent contempt against everyone around me. I have more bitterness towards myself than anyone else. So, who ever asked, does that make you happy? You're better than me, really. Congratulations. That's not hard to accomplish.

I care about people. Alot. I find the few people who I'm able to connect with and from that point, I care. I care about anything that has to deal with you. Once I feel for you, you could tell me anything and I wouldn't judge you because I know that at some point in my life I've done something just as worthy of embarrassment or shame. Who the hell am I to judge you? And I already love you, that can't change.

So, I'm sorry if I give off the impression that I'm a pompous bitch who doesn't give a shit about anyone. I do. I care more than most. That might be why I protect myself. It's easy for me to be hurt, but I love to love. It's what helps me most. So it's so unbelievably bothersome to me when someone doesn't like me. But isn't that what we all want? To be liked, appreciated, wanted?

I went off on a tangent, but that one question; that one simple question really did something to me. I felt deeply disturbed by it. I needed to fix it.

Dizzy Dreamer

I slept for a long time. In my 15 hours of sleep I had about 6 distinct dreams. You were the focus of each one. I spent the whole night with you. Too bad you don't remember.

Haha.

Too sad.

Some things are that simple.

You: "I love you smiling."

Me: "That's nice. Like...that's a nice statement."

You: "That's true. Like...the statement."

.

These might be some of the nicest, awkward words I've exchanged with someone in awhile.

"Sometimes I think if my mother wasn't so good at pretending to be happy she might be better at actually being happy."

Quote

"Sometimes it seems like we're all living in some kind of prison. And the crime is how much we hate ourselves. It's good to get really dressed up once in a while. And admit the truth: that when you really look closely? People are so strange and so complicated that they're actually... beautiful. Possibly even me."

- Angela from My So-Called Life

Excuse me?

OK, really now,

my interpretation of this video is...

the mother did hard drugs while pregnant with this poor child and now he suffers from severe psychosis...or at least someone does. Whatever, I really thought this was pretty awesome. Haha.

If there is some 15 second commercial at the beginning, wait through it. It's worth it.

Something I Should Remind Myself

"What a strange narrowness of mind now is that, to think the things we have not known are better than the things we have known."

-Samuel Johnson