This is directed toward you, in the most loving way

I wish you would answer. I mean, I answer in a heartbeat because well, you just mean that much to me. Ignoring or neglecting you feels wrong. Ignoring you when you took your time to try and talk to me, well that just doesn't seem right does it?

So is that it? I don't matter that much? Tell me I'm wrong. That's what I want to hear. That's just how I feel. Tell me I'm wrong, please. Or just do me the favor and tell me if that's the case...if it's what you want, then I'll just...I don't know. I'll leave you alone...if that's what you want.

=/ Fuck. I'm sorry. I wish I could read your mind. Maybe that would be easier for you. And that wasn't meant to sound sarcastic or bitchy. Like, I really wish I could make this easy for you. I wonder if this is still hard for you. Like, I just am starting to believe that maybe after you've been home and thought I was bitching at you through my blog that you've now just...gotten over everything. How can I know?

Well, I care about you still. I miss you still. I'm okay, but I could be better. Don't talk to me because you worry about me, or because you feel bad, but because you actually want to; because you actually miss me. Do you want to hear my voice? Have you had anymore dreams about me?

I think you're in my dream every other night. It's always so disorienting to wake up and find you over a hundred miles away.

I'm sorry, I really try not to write about you because I feel so weird knowing that you might read it, but...I just needed to write. And also, if you did read this by any chance, these are things I wanted you to know. But, I won't try and talk to you. I want to, God, just know I want to. I'll let you decide when you want to talk. I also know you might be busy. Believe me, I try to be understanding. I want to understand.

Thank you for telling me why we hadn't talked for a few days though. Thanks for giving me the chance to explain, even if you didn't believe it or if you did. I'm so sorry you mistake the things I write. I promise that I will never be so utterly hateful towards you. That would hurt.

Ugly.

I'm thinking of just deleting all this rubbish, bullshit. I mean, none of it seems worth it anymore. It might just cause more trouble.

But anyway, things had been better. I'd gotten my awesome volunteer job with gorillas and I just got a job at this nice restaurant. I'll be making money.

But I guess I'm still lonely and missing everyone I can't have. I'm hating myself for not being able to make friends easier, kinda hating myself for the fact that I don't want to get to know people. I'm more content being alone I think.

I went out last night...for the first time since I've been home. I spent time with people, saw an old, old friend- AWKWARD since she and I are so clearly different people now. There was a cute guy there and the attraction made me want to run screaming. Hate that feeling. FUCK THAT. Also I hadn't been remotely attracted to anyone for forever. Still, it's not the same, and it won't be in a long, long time. I'll be alone for awhile, I've known that for AWHILE now.
Also, the person I went with kept hugging me. I'm sorry, guys I'm uninterested in and aren't super tight with hugging me makes me want to die on spot. Please don't touch me.

I'm excited about going into work tomorrow. It'll be my first day of training. It's something I'm interested in, and keeps my mind off things I'm much more interested in. Same thing with my volunteer job.

I start Tuesday. I have to wake up at 5 am to get ready and be at the zoo by 7 am. I'll work until 3:30 pm and I'll be too tired and too busy to think of you. But the minute I get in my car, I'll check my phone hoping to God that maybe you sent a text my way.

I haven't showered today, and I just found toothpaste on the corner of my mouth. Must have been there for about 4 hours. How pathetic. Anyway, I clean up pretty nicely...usually. Unless I'm really hungover or was crying before I fell asleep.

What's really great, and what keeps me going, is the thought that I have two more months of this to enjoy. There's some sarcasm for you.

But you know, these two months will be better than the next 9 months of no one fucking being here because all these "successful" children will be going back to college. I'm envious because I miss the good memories at ODU, but I know going back would kill me...just because I'd be haunted by all those memories...and the reality that I suck at anything school related. Not learning related, but SCHOOL. Fuck me and school.

Allllright. I'm done right now. I want to continue...end with something romantic and lovely, but shit, I'm kinda all out of romance...i mean...it's kinda been sucked out of my life. :D
So here. Ugly, ugly, ugly.

Smile

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It's really not a problem. You can try to sound bigger and smarter, but the fact is is that you're young and just as immature as you might see me.

I don't judge you for that, nor do I blame you, but you do seem to be filled with more hate, or at least are quicker to hate someone and less willing to understand. That I don't understand. You didn't seem that way, but maybe I was wrong. That's sad, because I liked the person I thought you were. I'm sorry you hate me so much, but I have a feeling I can't change your false, stubborn opinion of me.

You know what though? It's a shame all this happened, because honestly, it wasn't that big of a deal. It was a mistake that you brought to my attention, and I apologized for it. Hold your grudge, the hate will only eat at you slowly.