baby countdown...in fruit :}

Before you take another step forward...

Breathe. Breathe and digest all the feelings piling on top of you, Kaity.

It is going to be okay- despite how things turn out.

Keep your cool, it's easy right now to run away with your emotions. Run-away train. A really emotional run-away train.

Be careful. Be conscientious. Be thoughtful. Be calm.

You're able to tell everyone else that it is going to be alright- you have to remember to tell yourself the same.

Breathe and digest. Take the time to quiet your mind.

Life Change

Suddenly my life has become split between a time when I was pregnant and a time when I wasn't; a time when people knew me not pregnant- people who've known me forever and know I'm pregnant. It's completely surreal to think of when I used to imagine when I'd have kids and now realizing I'm on the brink of being a mother. It's new and not the way I expected it to feel. Knowing I'll give birth to a little person- unique and new, and completely mine- it's exhilarating and I'm not entirely sure why.

I haven't blogged in forever, but I really think the next nine months I'll have so so much to write about. Also, someday my baby can read all my thoughts while pregnant with him/her. It's going to be such an adventure. I will cry and probably produce gray hair...or lose it all together, I'll worry and stress more than I ever have, but this tiny, fascinating being is going to be the light of my life. I have no doubt that it will be completely worth it. Thank you, thank you. I'm saying thank you. For what? I really don't know :}

In love!

I found this on stumbleupon. It literally, made my day seeing this painting. At first glance I said "oh, that's cool cuse it looks blurry as if you're looking out a windshield on a rainy day", which is too great because, well...obviously it's raining in the painting.

Then I zoomed in and the detail is INCREDIBLE. The art form and technique are my favorite part of this piece. I showed a bigger version so you yourself can marvel.

Each "stroke" was done singularly and it's so great because multiple colors were "blended" in each "stroke". It's kinda like the painters palette got messy and he just didn't care. Haha. I think this painting was done by one of those small little metal spades which is why I call it a "stroke" since it wasn't actually done by a brush. Using such an instrument would also mean his movements would have to be very direct and perfect so that the colors don't over blend and ruin the look of having different color streaks within each other.

Overall I'm very impressed by the artists ability to create illusion and be so precise. It's such a pretty painting. I really love it.

To see the entire painting in excruciating (but satisfying) detail, go to this link. It's so much better when you can see the entire thing up close.

Sexy Paint

Reeling

I'm trying so hard to fall asleep right now. I'm supposed to be up early, but all I can think about right now is how much I wish to be safe.

I'm thinking of ways to make myself safe. I could bury myself in books or art. I think about moving far far away and knowing no one, but honestly, I'm already so alienated from people around here anyway. I think about running to the woods (if there were any). The woods aren't exactly safe; there are many things to destroy me. Bears or coyotes, the cold or hunger or disease. I'd rather those things destroy than people. The loss of someone I love; the loss of trust I had in them is something I don't know how to handle.

I know you always said you'd never choose me. I know that. I hate that know that or that I ever had to, but I can't help being devastated nonetheless. You had said you loved me, and that you cared for me; that you loved me. And I trusted you. I now wonder what "love" ever meant to you in regards to me. I'm pretty sure you had no idea how much I trusted you. And now that you left me, all I do anymore is just think of all the times your love felt so real and timeless. That's silly, but you broke my heart and betrayed me. Even though you always felt that you were honest with me, you still betrayed me. Thing is, we were always just waiting for you to.

Now that it's over and it's only been that way for three weeks, I feel you drifting away...along with my sense of reality or what was ever real. I feel like you're wanting, trying to drift from me. And I know that I can come back from this, but I can't say I want to. Healing means forgetting you. I'd rather be eaten by the bears or have my heart frozen by the cold.

I wish you would hold me again..but now I wonder if your touch would save me or make me sick. Nonetheless, I want you so badly. And I am disappointed in myself because I'm loving a man who didn't love me enough, and that's foolish. I feel weak, and honestly, I look down upon the weak hearted. And you've set my pride on fire. I want so much to lash out at you and be vengeful for leaving me this way. I want to tell you how you destroyed a part of me...or parts rather. But I can't, because I know you created alot of who I am, and I have to say I don't regret that. We both know you effected me more than I did you. And I'm angry for that too.

I think I wish I could wake up and never remember you. And I know then I'd only see you in my dreams and you'd be the most wonderful, beautiful mystery. God, and I know I'd fall in love all over again with the face I see at night. It just breaks my heart everyday; every moment. I'd say I don't want to lose you, but I know I already have. And I wish to stay here for you, but I have the sinking feeling that you'll never come back for me.

I'm beside myself.

Books, Books, Books

Books I intend to read, or reread:

1984

A Wrinkle in Time

Lord of the Flies

I think I want to read the His Dark Materials Trilogy (you know, the Golden Compass trilogy) because it's about killing God, and I don't understand how one would go about killing God or even write about it. So I want to give the trilogy a go. It might be interesting...

Maybe I'll give Catcher in the Rye and Fahrenheit 451 another chance. I hated them both the first time I read them.

I'll keep adding to the list.

OH! And if anyone wants to get me a wonderful christmas present, get me Peter Pan by James M. Barry. Thank you :} Peter Pan really is one of my favorite childrens stories.

Vince reminds me of Peter just a little bit.

December 10, 2010

The Wind in the Willows

Four Quartets

Catch-22